Two posts in one week!! Well, you guys asked for it.. and I can't let the fans down.
But...
Warning you now, I'm about to get deep.
Let's cut right to the chase.
When I was in high school, I had an obsession with eating "clean" (orthorexia) and an obsessive desire to lose weight (anorexia).
Some background:
I was very overweight in my early years, and in middle school. My childhood consisted of a lot of unsupervised eating -TV dinners and popsicles alllll day - because my parents owned and operated (still do) a labor-intensive business by themselves. But, once I hit my growth spurts, I thinned out, naturally. Getting a taste of what it was like to be 'skinny,' I got addicted. I got more and more motivated to look like the tiny girls on Disney channel and at school. I just wanted people to like me (especially boys) and to like myself. And I thought I had to be skin and bones to do that. As it happens, the obsession got so bad that I just started to hate myself, in all aspects. My self-esteem and inner dialogue got darker and darker.
Me at the beginning of HS (2012/2013)
I would literally have a daily calorie restriction of 1,200 calories at 14 years old. Because that's what MyFitnessPal (trash) told me in order to lose X pounds in X days.
As the weeks went on though, the number got lower and lower. I wanted to see quicker results. I went from 1,200 calories to 1,000 to 800, to as low as 500. calories. a. day. Ugh. It makes me so sad thinking back to my innocent, isolated young self back then.
In the summer, I would starve myself if I knew I would be wearing a bathing suit the next day. If I was wearing a tight shirt to school, I wouldn't eat the night before so my stomach would be flat. After days of undereating, I would binge because I'd be so hungry. And I'd never get satisfied. Then, after being full of junk food, I would feel so upset and regretful. I would punish myself the next couple of days by starving myself again. It was an endless, vicious cycle.
I got really, really skinny at 15. I weighed 101-103 lb and aiming for 99. My family and friends would make tiny remarks that I needed to eat more and so on. Defensively, I would dodge the subject or say "I do eat!" Not enough though. Because to me, I was still 'fat' :/
Many years of self-hate followed:
I started playing sports and running cross country, and gained some healthy weight back. However, I still struggled with my eating habits. I started lifting weights because muscle burns fat, and I just wanted to look 'fit'. This made me hungry all the time so I was forced to eat more than my mind was okay with, which was okay. Lots of fluctuations in my weight occurred for many years, especially in college. Even though I worked so hard at going to the gym and eating right, I just wasn't seeing results without starving myself. I still hated my body most days.
Me at the end of college (2019/2020)
After my sophomore year of nursing school, I had less time to go to the gym, meal prep, and sleep. And it wasn't because I had poor time management, I mean I still made time to party, but I got up at 5 am almost every day. Classes, clinical, sorority life, and working 2 jobs was just so much, causing all kinds of poor diet choices and weight gain. I was very, very unhappy with my body and I felt terrible inside and out.
A new leaf:
After graduating, I had so much time to focus on what truly made me happy. I got my first RN job in Pittsburgh and worked three, 12-hour shifts a week. I went to the gym regularly, ate well-balanced meals, and really dove deep into my interest in nutrition & lifestyle, learning new things every day about all the diet myths I once believed.
Currently, I am still finding peace with my body image and I think I always will be. But now I've found different ways to look at myself, like being grateful that I can walk, see, learn, help others, etc. And my toxic eating behaviors were healed naturally through this cool thing called self-psychoeducation (basically educating yourself enough to create behavior change).
Me now (2022)
Only took me 10 years :,)
With all that being said...
Forget diets, find your purpose
If you are unhappy where you are right now, and you want to change, find your why first. You're not going to be consistent if you don't have a motivating factor. Any change is 80% behavior and 20% knowledge. But your behavior is dependent on how you feel. And if you hate yourself, you're not going to change for yourself.
Diet culture tells you to:
Count calories and macros to look good
Weigh yourself every day until it says what you want
Compare your body to influencers who don't eat
Eat as little as possible to have a flat stomach
Expect overnight results with quick and easy drinks and workout plans
Do as much cardio as you can to burn fat/calories
Do 30-day programs, crash diets, juice cleanses, etc.
Chicken, broccoli, rice, blah
Sustainability says:
Nourish your body to feel good
Measure your progress with how you feel
Listen to your body not other people
Eat until you are full
Be active in a way that makes you happy
Invest in your health because you deserve it
Try new seasonal foods every week
Establish a purposeful daily routine
You're not alone
I know so many women (and men) have a similar story my age. Our society is so fixated on losing weight. And that is not a bad thing in retrospect, being that 50% of the U.S. is obese, contributing to the majority of our chronic health problems today, BUT you shouldn't want to lose weight to look skinny or get people to like you. You should find a sustainable state of being that allows your hormones and cells to thrive because, well, your longevity and happiness depend on it.
The average woman spends 17 years of her life on a diet.
Don't be that woman. There's so much more to life than that. So, forget everything you think you know about 'dieting' because all diets fail in the long term. Find a sustainable LIFESTYLE that works for YOU, YOUR body, and YOUR life. And trust and enjoy the process of finding that.
To close;
It felt really good to get my story out in the open. I've never really talked about this to anyone, so I hope you enjoyed hearing my most vulnerable moments <3 If you have a similar story or ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to contact me!
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